Tough Times

I guess you all have noticed that I’ve been quiet lately, with no new blogs. I apologize for that. To be honest, I’ve been in a lot of pain. About ten years ago my lower back began hurting with intense, chronic pain. I did test after test to see if something was wrong and all they came up with was thinning of my vertebral discs, arthritis, and some scoliosis from my “sitting” position all these years. As if that’s not enough. ha ha… Many people have asked me, “how can you feel your back? You’re paralyzed.” Truth is I have no clue. All I can equate it to is another one of Gods mysterious blessings. Not sure how He does it, and truth is, it doesn’t really matter. As scripture says in Isaiah 55: 8, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord,” so I don’t even try. I just thank God that since the day of my accident I’ve always been able to feel. It’s different than being able-bodied. I can feel everything on the inside or deep pressure on the outside, but only physical touch from the chest and elbows up. Then there’s even strange feelings or warning signs that you only get from being paralyzed that I could never begin to explain because it’s not a feeling I would know how to describe. It’s a feeling all new to me from my paralysis. While sometimes these feelings still lead to pain, I’ve always looked at them as blessings in disguise. Because I’m able to feel things, I know my body well and can catch it when somethings wrong. This allows possible issues to be handled rather than hidden under the loss of feeling from paralysis.

So, now I’ve been dealing with this back pain for years. Of course, it goes through fazes of getting better and then worse again. In the beginning they doped me up on pain medication, but after loosing day after day, being completely comatose, in combination with a lifestyle change I had to be more healthy I knew the heavy drugs weren’t for me anymore. Since then I’ve tried supplements, acupuncture, and all sorts of alternative options. Sometimes they help and my back gets in a good place, but sometimes it seems like nothing helps and I stay in excruciating pain.

Then on top of that, about six years ago an accident happened and something fell on my chair and bent the frame. When it did, it did something to my headrest and an extreme pain runs through the back of my head a good bit of the time. Since then, positioning does help, but even if I move ever so slightly the pain penetrates through my head again. For one of few places I can feel 100% fully on my body to stay in constant pain causes lots of torment, also. I have been in the process of trying to get a new chair for the past three and half years and one thing after another keeps going wrong with it to keep me from getting in it. The nerve pain at this point is so bad I just pray the new chair is the answer to the problem.

Between my head and my back hurting more than usual the past couple of months  it’s just been really hard to focus on my blogs or much else. I’m truly not trying to complain or send out a pity party — just being upfront and honest with were I’ve been. I used to feel like admitting you’re hurting was a sign of weakness. “Just ignore it”, I’d say to myself and pretend everything’s just fine, but pretending only puts a bandaid over it and doesn’t leave any growth for healing physically or emotionally. I can, however, reach deep inside to find Gods strength to press through the pain to find words to encourage others while it’s going on. I know there are far more people out there, hurting way more than me, in many different areas that continue to do the same. God has a purpose for my life and I bet He knew all about the pains that ail me long before He called me to go through them. So… I’m back to the land of the living and you will now be hearing from me more often whether I’m hurting or not. God has my pain in the palm of His hands, just like He does everything else going on with me, and all of you!